2004-06-08 - 12:56 p.m.

4 months after having the little one in Feb. of 03. I came back to work on a part time schedule. I think one of the only reasons that they let me do it was because in the past I had been fairly successful. (for clarification purposes, I do IT recruiting) Prior to to and even after 9/11 I had managed to place quite a few people and was making pretty good money for the company as well as myself. So, they let me give it a shot. Now it's been a year and needless to say, I have not produced the same results. I have been admittedly been slacking using this place as means to contribute to my 401K and IRA accounts, make a wage that is comparable to my full time salaried as I converted to an hourly rate and declined the benefits and fuck, I work 3 days a week. But I'll tell you, I can't fucking do this forever. Why you ask? Because I really need to figure out what I'm doing and this is not what I want to be doing. Recruiting, IT contract work smells worse to me at this point than a big bucket of cat shit. And of all shit, I think cat shit is the worst. At the end of the day, I just feel empty about what I do. And the money just doesn't seem a viable excuse anymore. Part of me thinks that I should go back to school and finish since I never got my Bachelors degree. At the same time, I don't really know what I want to do and that seems like a pretty big investment for someone who is uncertain about what they want to do with their lives. I want to work, contribute financially to my family and have some independance. But, I also don't want to spend 40-50 hours a week away from my baby. I'd also like to have a 2nd little one within the next 3 years. Honestly I don't know how we would afford for me not to work.

Having said that I also, blow a lot of my money on crap that I/we don't need such as a whole wardrobe of Hanna Andersson clothes for the little one. Kathleen says that I could start shopping at Aldi and drinking boxed wine. Somehow that doens't make me feel better.

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